Everything here is lush & fertile, from the flowers cascading from the trees above to the vibrant tones of green and purple that surrounds me. The thickness of the air is filled with possibility and grace. I allow myself to feel everything, inspired by the luxurious sensations; the gentle breeze on my skin, the tickle of the grass where I sit, the sun’s enveloping warmth. I close my eyes and I can see myself, as clearly and brightly as a new day. My soul has been freshly scrubbed and cleaned. I have gone into every crevice of my being, every dark and twisted corner, and looked upon it with love, with simple acceptance. The pure release of it washes over me like a cool rain. There is no room for condemnation or judgment, simply the freedom to love yourself as you are. There is a deflection of all things negative, except for the lessons they may contain, which allows for the full embrace of all things positive and beautiful. I am in control. Take me or leave me. I Will Stand.

The image on the cover of this journal in which I write, I live where she lives now. I have allowed magic & spirit into my life and with it has come regeneration, grand potential and new perspective. I am looking back at where I came from; no longer in that dark place but always able to see how far I’ve come. Looking at that dark, crowded wood, a permanent stain on my being, it will always be a part of me. However, I choose to let it go, to release its hold on me. I live in the light but I come from darkness, from a deep hole where light shined in infrequent measures. The River Styx of crowding, elbow to elbow, with each powerful tide of raw feeling, emotion and experience battering away your resistance. I am choosing to free myself from it, but it will always be there; a dark portal, a giant, gaping maw capable of swallowing you whole. A reminder of what was and how far I’ve come. I take pride in this. I have disentangled its thorns and branches from who I am. The wounds & scars I carry, although permanent, are no longer raw or infected. If anything, they have given me great depth and a reservoir of strength from which to draw on at will. There is nothing more that can hold me back. I am a freight train moving forward and nothing can stop my progression.

I breathe in deeply and take in my surroundings once more. The enchanting, wide open expanse of nature makes me feel as if anything is possible and I am aware of this thing in me building. I have a hunger, this searing passion inside of me. It burns and yearns for release. If I choose to release its power upon you, you will either weep with the joy & beauty of it or moan in its agony. Your actions dictate which it will be. I protect what I love with a violence that knows no mercy. Pain is an infinite thing. It cannot be measured and there are depths of it that you could not imagine, that you could not even begin to fathom. I could take you there. Choose wisely, for as much as I seek and embrace the light of now, this hollowed void I carry within will always remember the most vicious and imaginatively cruel ways to cut the deepest.

Shades of pink gold, magenta, purples and blues alight on my skin and I feel beautiful. With the breeze whispering in my ear, I’m drawn to the closest clearing where I can tread barefoot on a green carpet of grass. I feel connected. The pulse of the earth hums between my toes and rises up into me. I am of two worlds, light and dark, and I feel free & real & alive in the in between. I am surrounded by infinite skies tinted by the color of jewels, brightened in elegant harmony by the setting fire of the sun and cool glow of the rising moon.

The veil between worlds is thin here and I feel as if on a precipice of some great discovery that I can never fully grasp. An ephemeral gateway has been opened, ignited by the joining of night and day. Time stands still, pregnant with possibility and unspoken knowledge. There is power here, and I drink of its potent nectar. I spread my arms wide and gaze at the stars beginning to flirt with the luminous sky, and open myself to the freedom of these fleeting moments. There is so much yet to discover and I feel young, giddy and vibrant. I dance with innocent glee to the enchanting glitter of fireflies as they come out to greet me. Electricity runs through the marrow of my bones and shoots from my fingertips. I crackle with the power and joy of my dance.

I am of the in between… and I have magick in me.

I write.

This is me, singing to you without sound. This is my slow dance, this is my truth. To say I do anything else, regardless of what I do to pay the bills, would be a lie. I have come to know myself in this past year and a half in a way I have never been conscious of before. Having had the time to gain clarity, to learn to express the noise in my head and become more aware of this underlying ability to articulate my soul, has granted me new life.

These are my words. I offer them to you freely to do with what you will. Take them or leave them, so be it. I no longer carry them inside of me, choosing instead to give them freedom. It’s what I yearn to do, these words, feverishly scorching their way through me. Flowing over like a fountain, in me and around me, embracing me and seducing me. I can no longer hold them in, they rise up from a place I cannot name, spewing the light as well as the venom I carry deep within. Erupting from my depths.. At times they tickle, bubbling up sweetly as they do, like a lovely Moscato d’Asti. Sometimes they gag and burn, forcing their way down on paper like a harsh bar house whiskey. Either way, gentle or rough, pain or pleasure, I relish the experience. I delight in the feel of them at either extreme and everywhere in between. I couldn’t hold them back in if I wanted to. And I don’t.

I have found an outlet, a way of touching the deepest parts of my being, my existence. To explore and know myself like never before.. I am cradling my soul, my essence, treating it like a long-lost lover. Accessing such profound wells of emotion and sensation I never knew were possible. These words, they flow like liquid across the page, damp & heavy, sung like siren calls in my mind, and I am powerless to resist. They demand to be heard. This is my voice and I can finally hear what it has been saying for so long. There is no more noise, no more screaming in my head. Just a peaceful inner serenity unlike any I’ve ever experienced; a deep and abiding quiet, a stillness in my heart. I no longer bear this weight in my chest, and I feel lighter than air. I am letting go.. A pen and paper are where I’ve learned to fly. Can you see me? Can you see me soaring high above the clouds, an eagle taking flight? I can see so much from here, everything is so much clearer, pure and raw. The things I now choose to focus on can become so different, so new. Oh! The possibilities of a life untethered! The giddy warmth of this new knowledge rushes up to greet me in every waking moment. There is so much I want to do, so much I want to experience. So much to write about! Where do I begin? Every moment has become an opportunity to discover something new about who I am.  I cherish the process of learning what thrills me, what enrages me, what fills me with sadness, what makes my heart echo with joy and my spirit swell with laughter. What makes my body and soul cry out in pain or cry out for more.. I am hungry.., hungry to discover the answers to all these secrets of who I am. Even those dark, ominous, unwelcoming caverns within me.. Those I want to come to know and understand the most.

These words I string together, forming images so clear, so lingering, as if they had always existed within you.. Like seeds taking root, so deep that where I end and you begin are almost indistinguishable. God & Goddess, they feel so good, I can barely take it. These things, these sensations, emotions I have access to. Do you feel how powerfully they reverberate through me? Can I affect you as they affect me? Allow me to show you how they make me feel.. The simple joy and power of these words run down the length of my spine, and dance onto my page. My skin crackles with the electricity of it. I am alive with energy. I am riding their wave, open and flowing, receptive and penetrating. Taking it all in and giving back with everything I have.. No half moments, no distractions, just the excitement of what’s to come. These words, like an experienced lover, have their hands all over me. Tantalizing, making love to me even better than I do myself.. Offering such a deep, profound climax unlike anything physical I’ve ever encountered. They combine to create an event more earth shattering than I ever realized was possible. Climbing the crest, riding high on the combined energy created by my body and inner soul peaking at once.. Who knew? Who knew this kind of pleasure even existed?  I am in awe of the sensations, of the experience, rocking me to my very core. Leaving me shaken and spent until the next wave begins, over and over again until I can no longer think clearly and all I can do is FEEL. If this isn’t the divine, this exquisite union of mind and body and soul that befalls me whenever I pick up my pen, if this isn’t the purpose of our inhabiting this crazily chaotic earth, then I will never know what is.

My thoughts dance with each other, taking turns leading; leaping with effortless grace from my lips, my hands, onto the page. A ballet of words, artfully arranged to my vibrant choreography. Will you dance with them? Will you dance with me? I have so much to teach you and so much to learn from you. Become my partner. Step by step, let’s sway to the rhythms we can create, not only with our bodies but with our minds and souls as well. Open yourself to me and I will open myself to you.. Let us see what grand masterpiece we can manifest together. I am allowing you to see into me. Let me see into you.. Show me what you have hidden, even if you’re not quite sure what that might be. I promise to hold you, to cradle your secrets and your soul, to cherish and care for them as deeply as I do my own. Trust me, open to me.. Find your release with me. How do you speak from your soul? What are you drawn to at night, all alone, behind closed doors? What do you do when no one is watching? What excites you, what gives you that searing rush of heat deep in your core? What elicits passion in you, what sets you on fire? Do you allow yourself access to that within you? Have you ever truly submitted to it, reeled with it, let yourself be rocked by the magnitude and depths with which we can actually feel? How do you create your own truth? In what manner does it flow from you? Do you draw, bringing life to the budding images flowering in your mind? Do you sing or paint? Do you see or speak through the eyes of a camera lens, capturing preciously elusive flashes of time on film? Perhaps you release the throbbing pulse of your being through words and write, as I do. Maybe numbers hold more appeal for you, sequences flowing from your mind onto paper or computer screen. Do you run or box, hammering out your own private beat with every plant of your foot or fist? Do you play an instrument, possibly pounding out the music of your soul’s rhythm to the thumping clash of your drums, guitar or piano?  Do you find that aching and tender outlet by preparing fine meals or baking, or through giving a grand performance on a stage? Infinite, limitless ways of expressing yourself exist if only you choose to seek them out. Ask yourself, what draws you in the deepest? What fills you, nurtures you, feeds you? If you find these questions are struggling to be answered then I implore you to take the time to explore yourself. Throw open every locked door. All of the keys exist within you and the journey of their discovery is so very sweet.

For within you lies a secret.. A budding, undeniable truth that longs to be heard.. Have you been listening? If you have, then I send you all of my affection and encouragement as you continue to unleash and revel in the powers and gifts you hold. May you find beauty and strength in them & in doing so become a source of strength and beauty for others. If not, if your inner longing has gone unheeded, the time has come to gather into stillness and listen with all your might. Speak from your soul, endeavor to find your own unique way of giving it voice and allow it to delicately begin whispering in your ear. Let its quiet hum build in volume, swelling, surging, a stunning symphony of sound. Let it echo and resonate, reaching higher and higher until you hear, see and feel the unbearably delicious power of its crescendo. What do you need to say, what do you have to show me? What have you been trying to impart, what have you been carrying or suppressing? The time has come to let it all go; here in your very own enlightened land of milk and honey, give in to the luscious release of freedom. Gaze out at the world with new, ravenous eyes and begin speaking your truth. I am listening..

So…? I write. What do you do?

I have spent my existence solely on the receiving end of life. Allowing the energy of others to permeate mine and take control. I have left myself open and vulnerable to attack and manipulation; always reacting instead of acting, on the defensive instead of the offensive. A woman walking through life grievously unbalanced and as such, never feeling whole or stable.  All of my experiences thus far having been so much less than what they were meant to be because I was consumed by an illogical desire to live for others instead of myself. Always giving, never taking.

Let me in. Open wide and allow me access to your deepest recesses. I can feel you.. Can you feel me? Can you feel the delicious burn as I slowly make my way inside of you?

Energy is meant to be an exchange between people, experiences, sensations, emotions, .. Simply put, I give, you take. I take, you give. Until recently, I have given of myself until there was nearly nothing left to offer. However, looking back, the times where I have taken what I need, emotionally, physically, mentally, professionally, were few and far in between. I am learning now to TAKE what I need, when I need it. I am learning that it’s not only okay to become just a little bit selfish; it’s vitally necessary and healing to do so. Not so much so that I drop like a heavy stone only to fall to the other extreme of the scale, but just enough that I find my own sophisticated balance between the give and take that life has to offer. No longer am I merely acquiescing and embracing the energy of others to the exclusion of all else. I am savoring the sensation of pushing, thrusting back with vigor, allowing my vibrant energy to enter you and the world in return. I am harnessing my own beautiful power. I am finding my balance, my center and I am feeling infinitely, more enticingly powerful, than I ever have before.

Can you feel me? I am all around you.. Can you feel the warmth of my gentle caress? Coaxing you, tempting you, claiming you.. Open wide and surrender to my fiery charms..

Let me in and I will show you what I am made of.

I am an image of her, a captivating mystery to all who gaze upon my fierce beauty. At mere glance, you will encounter my outward façade. A small white lie only few will live to tell of.

What you will feel is serenity; a soothing warmth, perhaps even heat. I will infuse you with a luxurious sensation much like that of an intimate embrace. I will hypnotize you with my slow, wantonly seductive movements. I will make you feel as though you had not a care in the world.

Once given, my love and trust are yours to place in your fervently impassioned care. I would never knowingly give to the unworthy who might otherwise betray me. To do so would only bring unneeded pain and suffering. For underneath my outward show of feminine allure and grace, lies a deadly enemy.

Once angered I cannot and will not stop until my lust for vengeance has been sated. I will rise up and destroy you. I will devour every bit of your existence as though it were but a grain of sand. I would tear through towns and homes just as I would rip through your heart and finish with your soul.

I do not mean to make you fear me or be wary of my waters, for though I am a power to be reckoned with, I am as gentle as a babe.. if only loved.

“Mama, why are you so happy?”

This was the innocent question posed to me by my then not quite yet eleven year old daughter last year as we giggled and played on the living room floor. It was asked abruptly, with surprise and such an engaging, earnest smile of delight shining from her gorgeously huge brown eyes. And it took every fiber of my being not to show her how that sweet question absolutely shattered me.

All the air left my body and I couldn’t breathe. She might as well have slapped me across my face. It took a long, awkward moment before I could pick my jaw up from the carpet and keep from unleashing the aching sobs that began to burn for release. How the hell did I get here? To such a dark place that my treasured child felt the need to question my joy during a carefree, loving moment between us? A moment that should have been just an average weekend afternoon of us goofing around like dorks. When did my happiness and playfulness become the exception and not the rule?

Even worse yet, so very much worse, was the look of anxiety and sadness that creeped into her eyes as she watched me struggle through this maelstrom of emotion. As if to say, “Oh, crap, what did I do now?” I could literally see the walls in her face shutting down as if in preparation for whatever blowout might come next, like the slamming of storm windows before a hurricane for protection. This magical creature, whose bird like thrumming of a heart began to beat in my womb, was protecting herself from me. Not from any physical violence, never that. If I spanked her once in any given year, it was a lot. No, my child, who I love with a ferocity that knows no equal, was protecting herself from the unpredictable backlash of my emotional and mental instability.

Which is worse? Getting slapped by a hand or by harsh words from someone you love? I’d rather take the physical sting of the blow any day. That kind of pain eventually fades and heals and can even be, in a twisted way, a welcome distraction. Emotional pain lingers, it spreads like a cancer and eats away at your insides until you’re raw and empty. Until there is nothing left but an overwhelming darkness that permeates everything you see, do and experience. No light, no joy, just a barren wasteland of existence. Does this make the choices I’ve made with my little girl up until that moment easier for you to understand or far more cruel that I know this firsthand? That I have lived with this kind of weight and emotional baggage, for one reason or another, since I was very young?

What have I done, what in God’s name have I done..? This tormented litany reverberated throughout my entire being. The memory of each time I could have been kinder or more patient but wasn’t. Of each time I lashed out at her for some minor occurrence, each and every time I took my anger, frustration or misery out on this delicate little blossom of a girl. All those moments, seemingly innocuous when viewed in a single instance, (what mother doesn’t lose patience with her child at one point or another?), combined to create such an ugly picture that cut to my very core. This monumental realization crashed into me with violent impact and I was left unable to deny any longer the somber reality I had been creating for us both, and its damaging consequences.

Overwhelmed by a gamut of emotions, an awareness slowly blanketed my turmoil. Awareness that I still have time, I can still teach her. It’s not too late to change, never too late to want better, to BE better, and to learn to make better decisions. I can choose to sweep this vitally significant moment under the rug and ignore it. Or, I could choose to use it. To actually take the time to answer her question, to be honest and open with her, to help her gain an understanding of my actions of the past and that they had all to do with me and nothing at all to do with her. I looked at my sweet baby girl. I looked into her and with silent tears carving valleys down my cheeks; I began to talk with my daughter. Keyword WITH her, not to her, or at her. I opened a door of communication between us wherein she could feel free to voice her emotions, regardless of whatever they may be and know that she is unconditionally safe in doing so and where I could do the same. I explained to her that we all have options, that we all have the power to choose how to react to the events in our lives and that I had been making the wrong choices for a very long time. I looked deep into the wells of her eyes and told her that I was finally ready to start making the right ones.

Living with pain, anger, depression, stress, whatever the case may be, doesn’t have to be a life sentence. The key, for me at least, has been re-learning how to deal with those nasty upheavals of emotion and impotent frustration. They don’t go away completely; I still have the occasional bad day. However, those days have become much easier to deal with over time with just a shift in perspective. By accepting the realization that I have this strength, this ability to choose how to react to any given situation. Are you going to allow a single negative instance or emotion to pollute your entire day or let its toxin spill over into the lives of the ones you love? Or will you take a moment to actively make the decision to acknowledge it, let it go and move on. To take several deep, calming breaths and make the choice to embrace possibility, joy and laughter instead of dead ends, anger, and sorrow. Take the time to ask yourself; what option will bring you and those around you more happiness, more contentment, more peace? I’ve learned that nothing in this life has control over you unless you allow it control. It’s simply a matter of deciding when to take back that power, to decide when you’ve finally had enough of living at its mercy. You CAN choose to make your life your own again. Like everything else, it begins with tiny steps. Learning to break your day into small choices and make the decision to do the next right thing for you and those you love. Be patient with yourself. It’s not about where you screwed up or what you just did. It’s about what you’re going to do next that truly makes a difference.

This was my defining moment. My Awakening… What will yours be?

I mean the urges to do or say or go after the things we all at one point in our lives or another, some more than others, hold back from doing for fear of judgement or ridicule. Why is that fear so pervasive? Why do we seek approval from everyone else first before seeking it from ourselves? When does that begin? Is it the way we’re raised or is it just an internal survival instinct or superhero complex to put everyone else first before yourself. Especially women, who strive to be everything for everyone all of the time; leaving themselves behind, choking on the dust of their own manic running to keep up. Needs? What needs? I’m Jesus.

That was me. Everyone else took priority. I put myself last every single damn time. I ignored or suppressed most every urge, every desire. Every idea/project I knew would work but refused to bring up not wanting to take away from anyone else’s shine. Every off-color, perverted joke or comment that popped in my head, (and if you know me at all, you’ll know those pop up quite often), for fear it would be taken the wrong way or make me look deviant. Every social event that I’ve ever been to and sat in the background when all I really wanted to do was yell out a whoop, whoop! and shake my round Brazilian ass on the dance floor. Everything that makes me,.. me. Going through the motions without ever allowing myself to experience anything that would bring me pure, selfish joy, pride or amusement. Was it because I didn’t feel like I was good enough? Sure, I’ve felt that way, but not completely and not all the time. I think it was more a desperate need of not wanting to disappoint anyone, which led to me constantly disappointing myself without ever being aware of it on a conscious level. Subconsciously, however, it was no wonder I was so angry and depressed for so long. I was pissed off for being such a jackass to myself without even realizing it.

Learning to let go of that ingrained need to please to the exclusion of all else is an absolute must. To put myself first, before even my child, is a necessary lesson that I admit has been one of the hardest to begin. Asking myself, what do I want? What do I need? Such foreign concepts that at first I had no reply to these questions. I answered myself with vague, uneasy silence.. Trying so hard at first to think about what the answers might be. It took a while for me to realize that urges/needs/wants aren’t born of thought, but of feeling.. What do I neeeeeeeed? I stopped thinking and started feeling.. and my answers began to come. Flowing, like water down a stream.. which flows into a river, which then flows into the sea. A vast ocean of desires yet undiscovered. Hidden, dark and deep, within us all. Delve down into those murky depths. Have the courage to face them, acknowledge them, greet them warmly. Give them breath, life and find life within them. They are yours to command and explore, to do with what you will. Give in to yourself…

Make it a priority to explore and express your innermost desires and urges. Find the time. MAKE the time. Let go of any fear or hesitation and get to know them, yourself and what You want from this life,.. not what others want from you. Find out, ask yourself, what will bring you joy and contentment, incite passion and excitement, or bring you fulfillment of the soul? For me, some of these things mean writing, learning and experiencing new things, singing out loud, staying true to myself, learning the guitar, performing a burlesque act on a live stage, opening myself up to the universe and its plans for me, becoming the very best possible version of me.. Be Bold. Be Brazen. Be Daring. With your words, your actions, your goals.. Forget about what others might think and focus solely on what You think and most importantly what you feel. Not only will it bring you giddy fulfillment and release unlike any you’ve ever known, but has the added bonus of drawing those you love even closer around you and your new-found inner glow. We all have the ability to find that “MORE” within ourselves. We just have to learn to shut that effing voice in our heads up, and feeeel our way through. Best freaking makeover you’ll ever give yourself.

So..? What do you want? What do you neeeeeeed??