breakingfreedotorg

Urges..

22 May 2011 1 Comment

by Cecile in Rants & Ravings.. Truths & Honesty..

Why do we question ourselves, suppress ourselves, so much? Why can’t we just go with our urges as they come? And I don’t mean any psycho kind of stuff here.. If you’re feeling the urge to stick a carving knife repeatedly into the belly of your neighbor or dying of curiosity to see what the insides of your as yet living cat look like, then I strongly suggest you seek professional help, like.., Now..

I mean the urges to do or say or go after the things we all at one point in our lives or another, some more than others, hold back from doing for fear of judgement or ridicule. Why is that fear so pervasive? Why do we seek approval from everyone else first before seeking it from ourselves? When does that begin? Is it the way we’re raised or is it just an internal survival instinct or superhero complex to put everyone else first before yourself. Especially women, who strive to be everything for everyone all of the time; leaving themselves behind, choking on the dust of their own manic running to keep up. Needs? What needs? I’m Jesus.

That was me. Everyone else took priority. I put myself last every single damn time. I ignored or suppressed most every urge, every desire. Every idea/project I knew would work but refused to bring up not wanting to take away from anyone else’s shine. Every off-color, perverted joke or comment that popped in my head, (and if you know me at all, you’ll know those pop up quite often), for fear it would be taken the wrong way or make me look deviant. Every social event that I’ve ever been to and sat in the background when all I really wanted to do was yell out a whoop, whoop! and shake my round Brazilian ass on the dance floor. Everything that makes me,.. me. Going through the motions without ever allowing myself to experience anything that would bring me pure, selfish joy, pride or amusement. Was it because I didn’t feel like I was good enough? Sure, I’ve felt that way, but not completely and not all the time. I think it was more a desperate need of not wanting to disappoint anyone, which led to me constantly disappointing myself without ever being aware of it on a conscious level. Subconsciously, however, it was no wonder I was so angry and depressed for so long. I was pissed off for being such a jackass to myself without even realizing it.

Learning to let go of that ingrained need to please to the exclusion of all else is an absolute must. To put myself first, before even my child, is a necessary lesson that I admit has been one of the hardest to begin. Asking myself, what do I want? What do I need? Such foreign concepts that at first I had no reply to these questions. I answered myself with vague, uneasy silence.. Trying so hard at first to think about what the answers might be. It took a while for me to realize that urges/needs/wants aren’t born of thought, but of feeling.. What do I neeeeeeeed? I stopped thinking and started feeling.. and my answers began to come. Flowing, like water down a stream.. which flows into a river, which then flows into the sea. A vast ocean of desires yet undiscovered. Hidden, dark and deep, within us all. Delve down into those murky depths. Have the courage to face them, acknowledge them, greet them warmly. Give them breath, life and find life within them. They are yours to command and explore, to do with what you will. Give in to yourself…

Make it a priority to explore and express your innermost desires and urges. Find the time. MAKE the time. Let go of any fear or hesitation and get to know them, yourself and what You want from this life,.. not what others want from you. Find out, ask yourself, what will bring you joy and contentment, incite passion and excitement, or bring you fulfillment of the soul? For me, some of these things mean writing, learning and experiencing new things, singing out loud, staying true to myself, learning the guitar, performing a burlesque act on a live stage, opening myself up to the universe and its plans for me, becoming the very best possible version of me.. Be Bold. Be Brazen. Be Daring. With your words, your actions, your goals.. Forget about what others might think and focus solely on what You think and most importantly what you feel. Not only will it bring you giddy fulfillment and release unlike any you’ve ever known, but has the added bonus of drawing those you love even closer around you and your new-found inner glow. We all have the ability to find that “MORE” within ourselves. We just have to learn to shut that effing voice in our heads up, and feeeel our way through. Best freaking makeover you’ll ever give yourself.

So..? What do you want? What do you neeeeeeed??